my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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