you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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