remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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