Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
