she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
