pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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