i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
