if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think weed is turning my hair brown
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
