My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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