I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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