finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
