rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
