Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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