if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
