I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
