i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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