Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So much Jack, so little girl.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
