We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
