his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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