i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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