the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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