6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
