My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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