Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
