oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
