I can text with my tongue
In America we eat man semen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
