apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
