you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
