He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
