Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
