In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
