Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
