my phone needs a breathalizer
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
