I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You have to summon your inner elephant
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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