You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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