my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
