dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
