I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
