dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
