Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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