you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
