umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
