Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
