i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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