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I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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