My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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