I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
