They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
