You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dear god my vagina.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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