I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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