He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
