If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
