Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
